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  • Developer: Artematica Entertainment,
  • Rating: 1.2
 

Review: Some games take hours before a decision can be made. Some take just minutes. Some games are glorious. Some... ... some are just hideous. Ducati World Championship is the most putrid, plagueridden piece of decomposed penile tissue I have had the misfortune to review. I wish that was hyperbole. It's the gaming equivalent of lutefisk. I'm sure someone, somewhere enjoys this game, that someone probably lives in a dark cave, and lives on a diet of raw fish.… Expand

Review: Some games take hours before a decision can be made. Some take just minutes. Some games are glorious. Some...

... some are just hideous.

Ducati World Championship is the most putrid, plagueridden piece of decomposed penile tissue I have had the misfortune to review. I wish that was hyperbole. It's the gaming equivalent of lutefisk. I'm sure someone, somewhere enjoys this game, that someone probably lives in a dark cave, and lives on a diet of raw fish. They probably want to know what I have in my pockets.

This game is often bought as a gag gift, for good reason, it's cheap, usually less than a euro or a dollar, it has a horrible metacritic rating, sub 30's, and like another gag gift, bad rats, it's an odious piece of garbage. The stink of sewage can be sensed long before the game has had the chance to imprint its' accursed signature upon your hard drive, and believe me, once it has, uninstalling it will be something you follow with religious rituals. You may need to burn the hard drive and scatter the ashes somewhere sacred, just to make sure the game doesn't come back from the dead.

The store video promises that we'll be in for a treat, giving us glorious footage of a badly rendered CGI woman who wears what looks like two strips of shiny gaffer tape over her wobbly bits to ensure that the video doesn't get an R rating, and only occasionally a look at the bikes in what is a bike racing game, all the while subjecting us to some hideous "rawk" music (and the music follows you into the game, it gets worse, it's musak, it's musak for videogames).

But wait, it gets better. This horrific satanic mutation requires you to delve into the install folder and set it to compatibility mode, if you're in windows 7, and not what you'd expect. Normally compability means XP. NOT SO here, dear reader. Nope, here, it's compatibility for windows Vista.

Let's pause to consider this. A game that requires windows vista compatibility. Windows Vista. The Operating System from hell. In case you needed any clearer a signpost, this is it, this is "Abandon hope all ye who enter here", and hope is quickly extinguished. The resolution caps out at 1680x1050, which for current day computers means you're going to be upscaling to get it to fit onto 1920x1080, it's filled with some horrific motion blur, the graphics would look modern on an Atari Jaguar. Yes, that -thing-. That dared call itself a console back when the original Playstation was owning face back in the day.

The control system is poorly documented, and was designed by someone who had no idea how racing game controls SHOULD work and probably didn't CARE. Requiring you to fumble about like some poor sod in the dark hunting for the light switch in the bathroom whilst trying not to urinate all over the floor, when you do finally figure out what keys make the bike actually -go- in the relevant directions you find that there's zero smoothness in the response, the bike literally slides over the course like it's 1989 and we're playing ENDURO RACER ON THE ***KING SINCLAIR SPECTRUM WITH TAPE LOADING GAMES. ARE YOU HEARING ME? A SODDING 128K MACHINE DID A BIKE EXPERIENCE BETTER THAN YOUR ***KING DUCATI ***KING WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP YOU ***KING USELESS ***KING ***KERS.

*ahem*

I'm trying not to completely lose my temper here. I know that the programmers probably tried their best, and that people invested time and effort... oh who am I trying to kid, this is shovelware. It's the lowest of the low. It's frothing knobcheese of the most torrid variety and like Bad Rats, only barely qualifies as a "game" and only qualifies as "entertainment" if you're looking to put up youtube videos of you suffering through playthroughs to give other people a cheap laugh. If that's something you want to do, go ahead, be my guest. BE MY ***KING GUEST. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I QUIT. ***K THIS GAME. ***K THIS ***KING GAME. NO MORE. I WILL PLAY THIS NO MORE. IT WILL TAKE UP NO MORE OF MY TIME AND NO MORE OF MY HARD DISK. I CONSIGN THEE TO THE FIRES OF HELL AND MAY IT BURN THERE FOREVER MORE.

...

And if you really need to ask? No. No I do not recommend this "Game". Close

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